God's Abundant Grace - (Grace's Testimony)

I've never felt like I had much of a story. Like Hope, I was a BUICK (brought up in Church kid), and on top of that, I was also a PK (preacher's kid). Never do I remember doubting or questioning how I had been brought up. I was content. It was my life, I knew nothing else. Around the age of 9 I began to recognize the burden of guilt. Miserable, sticky, sickening guilt that sits in the stomach like a dead weight. I knew what I needed to do with it, but I was afraid. Anything new, any sort of change, scared me half to death with worry. It wasn't that I didn't believe in Jesus. I already knew I wanted to live my whole life for Him. That wasn't what scared me at the time. No, it was the idea of baptism.

It sounds silly now, but you have to understand that all baptisms I had seen were done in front of a fairly large crowd of church family, and I hated, absolutely feared being "up front." Hope can probably tell you a story or two to prove my point. This fear, silly though it was, I dragged around for quite a while. It never faded, not in the least. Instead it grew, becoming heavier along with my guilt. My knowledge of what I needed to do also grew, until it practically drove me crazy every time there was an invitation at Church.

Finally, in early December one year, we had a guest speaker at Church. Of course, as guest speakers love to do, he gave an invitation at the end of his service each night. No, I did not move from my spot in the pew. I was frozen with fear, but that night at home in the kitchen, I remember breaking down into tears. My parents talked with me for a while, as they have done with all my siblings to make sure that we truly understood and were ready. I don't remember exactly what was said, but the next morning I was baptized. A few friends/Church family did come, but it was a small crowd. I can still vividly remember the purple shirt and blue pants I wore, Daddy asking me if I believed that Jesus was the Christ, the Son of the Living God, and the warm water lapping at my legs, but most clearly of all, I remember skipping down the isle afterwards. There aren't words that can describe the joy I felt, the feeling that my dirty insides had been scraped clean. My burden was gone. I was free!

But like Hope, it wasn't all uphill from there. I was only ten when I made my decision and had a lot of growing to do. As I grew out of my childlike faith and hit my teen years, I began to realize that God was calling me to do things I'd never done before. In other words, I recognized that if I was going to serve Jesus the rest of my life, I was going to have to step out of my comfort zone and do things I was afraid of. A mini war raged within my stubborn soul, leaving me longing for the peace. Thank God for His grace because time and time again I've fallen into this little war. Still there are days when I fight, but I'm learning. He's teaching me that He will always be there with me and give me the strength to do what must be done. And all those things I was afraid of? Well, I'm discovering they are not so scary after all.

The devil works hard. Fear is one of his sharpest tools, and doubt can slice just as deep. Perhaps it has something to do with my perfectionist nature, but there was also a time when I especially struggled with doubting my salvation. Did I miss a step? Was there something else I needed to do to give myself completely? I was confused. Extremely confused, and I didn't tell anyone for the longest time. This is still hard for me to write. Of course, I knew deep down that you can never earn your way to heaven, and that salvation is a pure gift of God's abundant grace, but it didn't stop my doubts. I wanted to base my faith on feelings.

Reflecting on this I'm reminded of Jeremiah 17:9: "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (ESV) Sometimes I feel so hopeless. If the heart is deceitful, what other lies will I lead myself to believe? How many times will I fall down and have to be picked up only to fall down again? I have many favorite verses, but recently I have found great comfort in Psalm 73:26: "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (ESV) I'm going to mess up, time and time again, but God, He is perfect. Through faith in His Son, I am healed. My sins are washed away and I have the hope of eternal life in heaven. This hope in God is the strength that will keep me going. "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)