Help with 1st Chapter, Please?

Since I know I'm not going to complete my other story today, I'm giving into a temptation and posting chapter one of my book here. If you girls don't mind, I'd like a little help with it. Parts of it I really like, and others I'm just not sure. Sorry I didn't take the time to go through and double space between paragraphs. Hopefully it doesn't mess up your reading experience too much.

Family and friends, they make us smile,

...And cry, every once in a while.

“Look, Jessie!” a little voice sang. “It's morning!” My brother's beaming face stared down at mine, his sticky fingers forcing my eyelids open.

“Go away, Joey,” I grumbled, pushing his hands off my face and rolling over.

“But it's morning!” He bounced off the bed and skipped to the window. I heard the curtains fly open and groaned as sunlight flooded the room. “See!” Joey declared.

“No.” I pulled my quilt over my head. “Get out.”

“But it really is!” he pouted.

“So,” came my muffled response.

“You promised to play with me in the morning!”

I moaned. Joey's sigh was barely audible as he dragged his feet towards the door.

“It's time to get up and get dressed for breakfast!” Mom's voice carried up the stairs. I flung my blanket off just in time to see Joey stick his tongue out at me.

“I told you it was morning!” He skipped from the room, slamming the door.

I forced myself into sitting position. If only God had made the night a little longer … Shrugging the fog off my brain, I swung my legs out of bed and sank my toes into the cool carpet. The goosebumps dotting my arms urged me to dive back under my warm quilt, but I yanked open the closet door instead. A symphony of colors, of which the majority was purple, blurred under my morning haze. I reached for a lavender blouse bedecked in butterflies, paused, and remembered that Rachel had ordered me to wear pink today. For reasons I couldn't possibly comprehend, my purple wore her out. I pulled on a pink T-shirt instead. The initials J.K.R. and BFFS were painted across the chest. I traced the lime-green K with my finger. If only Kelsey still lived in Aspen … How I missed her bubbly tomboy attitude! At least I still had Rachel.

Footsteps pounding down the stairway broke me from my reverie. I needed to find some pants and get my backside down there, too. After rummaging through the dresser, I finally settled for my favorite faded-blue jeans and yanked them on. I ran my fingers through my brunette hair, pulled it back with a hot pink ponytail holder, and glanced in the mirror. Good enough.

“Jessica! Where are you? We're all waiting!”

“Coming, Mom!” I flew out the door, down the stairs, and into the dining room where everyone else shifted in their seats.

“Finally!” Joey kicked out my chair with his foot. “What took you so long?”

“It's a girl thing,” Josh explained. “They can't ever decide what to wear.”

“Joshua Daniel Whitman, I'll have you know, I am not -”

“Jessica,” Dad interrupted. “Sit.”

“Yes, Sir,” I muttered, glaring at my twin. I'd give Josh a piece of my mind later.

“Let's pray.” Dad surveyed the table. “Jordan, I believe it's your turn.” We all bowed our heads.

“Jordan?” Mom said after a moment of silence.

“Hmm?” Jordan jerked his head up.

“It's your turn.”

“Oh. Sorry.” He cleared his throat. “Dear Lord, thank you for this food...”

My thoughts wandered to my to-do-list. Dad wanted help planting the garden, and I had a little homework to catch up on. I also needed to have my chores done by 2:00pm when Rachel would arrive; but today was Saturday, which meant extra chores. I almost sighed out loud but remembered Jordan was still praying.

“...and please help Josh and Jessie not to fight. In Jesus' name, Amen.”

“Amen,” Mom echoed. Dad chuckled. Josh's hand flew to his mouth, attempting to hide a monstrous grin. I scowled and kicked him.

“Ouch! What was that for?” He glowered back.

“Can I have the milk, please?” Jordan interrupted, oblivious to the stir he had caused.

Dad passed the milk, giving Josh and I a warning look.

“How is everyone this morning?” Mom asked, breaking the ice.

“Fine,” Josh and I mumbled simultaneously.

“Good!” Joey sang. Jordan just stared at his bowl of cereal, deep in thought. I marveled at his one-track mind.

“Daniel?” Mom looked at Dad.

“I'm wonderful, Dear.” He leaned over and kissed Mom. “And you?”

Joey hid his face in his shirt.

“I'm fine,” Mom poured herself some cereal. “But I had the weirdest dream last night.

Dad reached for the toast. “Oh?”

“Me too!” Joey peeked out of hiding. “Josh and I were fishing and -”

Dad cleared his throat. “Your Mom was speaking.”

“Sorry.” He pulled his face back into his shirt.

“I was saying,” Mom continued. “I had a really odd dream last night. We had triplets.” Dad's head shot up. “They kept screaming and crying, and I couldn't get them to shut up no matter what I did. I finally woke up to the alarm clock buzzing in my ear.”

“Are you saying...” Dad began.

“No.” Mom read his thoughts.

“Hmmm...maybe it's a sign.”

“Of what?”

“Maybe we are supposed to have more kids.”

“I don't think so.” Mom put a spoonful of cereal in her mouth.

“A sister would be nice.” I dropped a hint, which truthfully, I did quite often.

“Nooo,” Josh argued. “We'd have to wait even longer for breakfast.”

Jordan looked up thoughtfully. “It would only be fair, Josh, since there are already three boys.”

“Exactly!” I exclaimed. At least someone was on my side. “Besides, Joey was supposed to have been a girl.”

“I was?” Joey's eyes were as big as saucers.

“The Doctor thought you were a girl at first,” Mom explained. “But don't worry. Your sister wouldn't trade you for the world. You've been her baby since the first day she laid eyes on you.”

Joey looked relieved. His eyes sparkled. “Are you still going to play 'Hunter' with me today?”

I wanted to say no. There was so much to do before Rachel came; but one look at those twinkling brown orbs, and I knew I couldn't possibly break his heart. He was my baby after all. Sometimes I desperately wanted a sister, but other times I was quite content with having three of the most annoying, most obnoxious, and most amazing brothers in the world.

♫♫♪♫♪

I crouched beneath the cedar trees and peered through the spindly branches. Joey crawled to my side, his brown eyes wide and twinkling.

“Is it safe yet?” he whispered.

I barely nodded. “Hunter,” as Joey called it, was a game us Whitman kids had invented since the first time we had seen Bambi. The game was simple: we were the “deer” and the kids playing in the neighborhood park were the “hunters.” Surrounding the park was a multitude of cedar trees, which also served as a border between our parsonage and the park. These trees were our “hideout.” The main objective of the game was to run from the trees, to the monkey bars, and back without being seen by the hunters. Being “seen” was the equivalent of being shot.

“C'mon let's go!” Joey nudged me.

I froze. For the first time ever I wondered what the other kids thought of us. Were we kook-koo? Or scaredy-cats?

“Hurry,” my brother nudged me again. “Before that boy in the blue turns around!”

“Okay, okay,” I whispered back. “I'm going.” Leaping to my feet, I sped toward the monkey-bars, Joey right at my heels. With ease I reached the yellow bars. I let my fingers brush the metal before turning back the way I'd come, but it all went wrong from there. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the blue boy turn around. He nudged his buddy and pointed. Another boy appeared out of nowhere and intercepted my path. I nearly collided into him. He shoved me to the ground.

“Watch where you're going!” He growled.

Joey slid to a stop behind me.

“S-sorry!” I sputtered. I felt my cheeks heat up. Why did I have to run into Owen Howard, the cutest and biggest brat in town? I wished his blond bangs were a couple miles longer to cover up that charming smirk of his. If I had been standing, I would have been a foot taller than him. That's probably why he liked me better on the ground.

“'Sorry' doesn't fix it,” he said. “You're still in my road.” He folded his arms across his t-shirt which read in bright red letters, “I'm cool. Just sayin'.”

Joey scrambled to the side. Normally I would have done the same. Don't get me wrong. I wanted to run, but still being shook up over the ordeal, my brain couldn't get the proper message to my feet. So, I just sat. Owen scowled. I was sure he was about to kick me when the boy in blue and his buddy walked up.

“Knock it off, Owen. Leave the girl alone. Let's go play.” He tossed Owen a basketball. Owen glanced at the basketball, then at me.

Hard choice, I thought. He fired a couple more of those invisible darts from his eyes before he finally decided to let me be. As the boys ambled towards the basketball court, my eyes focused on the boy in blue. I'd never seen him before. Perhaps he had recently moved to Aspen. Sandy-blond waves covered his head, and he towered over both his companions. How on earth did he earn Owen's appreciation? His buddy I knew already hung out in Owen's ring of friends, but this boy seemed too nice for them.

“C'mon!” Joey yanked on my sleeve. I allowed him to drag me back through the cedar trees and into our yard, but my thoughts still spun with the park. Joshua met us half way there.

“Rachel's here.”

“She is?” I snapped back to the present.

“Yeah, she's waiting for you on the porch.”

I broke loose from Joey's grip and darted to the house. Sure enough, the Colley's green minivan idled in the driveway, and Rachel was bouncing up and down on the porch, waving to me. Her red pig-tails bobbed with every hop. She wore a pale pink shirt, knee-length jean skirt, and long, striped socks. On top of that, she had donned here usual blue flats. I grinned. She looked ridiculous, but that's what I loved about her.

Rachel flew into my arms and squeezed the air out of me. “Guess what?” she asked, resuming her hopping.

“Hmmm...” I held my chin. “You finished your book?”

“Nope! Guess again!”

“You finally bought a camera?”

“Nope!”

“Okay, if it's not that, then it must be...” I racked my brain. It usually didn't take this long to figure out what caused her happy spells. “Oh, I know! You've finally been diagnosed with ADHD!”

Rachel stopped bouncing. “You think you're funny.”

I grinned.

“Well, you're wrong again!”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I give up!”

Rachel clapped her hands and leaned in closer to my ear. “I'm going to have a baby brother or sister!” she almost screamed in my ear.

I jumped. “Not fair!”

“Is too fair! You already have two younger brothers and a twin.”

“Yeah, well, I still wish I had a sister.”

“But it's better than having one ol' grumpy big brother!”

“I heard that!” Sammy, car keys in hand, stepped out of the house. Rachel clamped a hand over her mouth and giggled. Her brother gave her a playful punch in the shoulder. “See ya later, Sis!”

“See ya,” Rachel punched him back. Sammy hopped into the mini-van and sped off down the street. Voices caught my attention in the opposite direction. Owen was dribbling the basketball down the road, his friends close behind him.

“Let's go inside” I pushed Rachel towards the door.

“Why? Weren't we going to -”

“Just come on!” As soon as I had stepped inside, I raced up the stairs, Rachel at my heels.

“What's the matter with you?” She asked when we finally reached my room.

“Nothing.”

“Yeah, right.” Rachel planted her hands on her hips.

“Alright, alright! If you must know...” I flung open the curtains. Rachel peeked out.

“I don't see nothin'.”

“Look down the street! No, the other way!”

Rachel smashed her face against the window. “I still don't see anything.”

I sighed. “The boys, Rachel.”

“Oh … The boys?” She shook her head. “You're kidding me, right? You're scared of them?”

“No.”

“Then you must have a crush on one of them.”

“I do not!”

Rachel stepped away from the window and folded her arms across her chest. “Whatever.”

Heat flamed in my cheeks. I didn't know why, but it was no use trying to convince her.

“Most girls have crushes on Owen Howard.” Rachel flopped down onto my bed.

“I'm not like most girls.”

“Then explain to me, Miss Whitman, why you are avoiding him.”

I rolled my eyes. My best friend was impossible. “Owen is mean to me.”

Rachel sat up. “He talked to you?”

“Sort of. I almost ran into him when I was playing with Joey this morning. He pushed me over and told me to watch where I was going.”

“Harrumph!” Rachel obviously wasn't satisfied. I decided to change the the subject.

“So … do you want the baby to be a girl or a boy?”

“Well, that's a no-brainer! A girl of course.”

“I'm so jealous of you!”

“Keep praying. Maybe you won't have to be. In the mean time, I'm starving. Do you suppose your mom would have a snack downstairs?”

I nodded. It was a little early for snack time, but Mom probably wouldn't mind. Rachel headed for the staircase. I glanced out the window one last time. The boys had paused in front of our driveway, talking among themselves. Owen twirled the basketball and spit on the curb. I cringed. If that's what cool was all about, I definitely didn't want to have any part of it. The new boy glanced up at the house. I ducked away. He hadn't seen me, had he?

♫♫♪♫♪

I sat with my legs cross-legged at the coffee-table, my fingers clutching a bright red Stratego piece. Josh sat across from me, grinning over his vast army of blue. He had been knocking out my pieces left and right. My only chance of victory depended on breaking through his lines and finding that flag. I thought I knew exactly where it sat, if only I could get there. Eying the couple of blue pieces that blocked my way, I decided I'd take a risk. My man's number was seven. Surely Josh's ten was still on the other side of the board. I attacked the piece in front of mine. “Seven.” I said confidently.

“Eight!” Josh smirked.

“What! I thought I already killed your eight.” I slammed down my piece with the rest of my fallen men on the sidelines.

“Nope. You got my nine.”

I moaned. “When will you ever give me a chance?”

“Jessie,” Joey nudged my shoulder. “If you play with me I might let you win.”

I eyed the Candy Land game he held in my face. Perhaps his game was a little more my style. “Might?” I asked jokingly.

Joey nodded. “Yeah, if you let me win first.”

“Hey! That's not fair! I've already lost twice today.”

“So.” He pulled the lid off the game and unfolded the board on the table. The corner of the board collided with Josh's blue army. The men fell like dominoes, revealing their numbers.

I spied the flag and snatched it up. “Ha!”

“Joseph Dillon, we weren't finished yet!” Josh pried it from my fingers.

Joey's mouth formed a little “o” as he stood in awe of the disrupted battlefield.

“What's going on in here?” Daddy stood in the doorway. His face looked fatigued, and his eyes were red.

“Joey messed up our -” Josh stopped when Mom walked up behind Dad, her eyes swollen and a tissue in hand. “What's wrong?” my twin asked instead. My stomach sank. Mom and Dad upset was usually related to Church problems. Either members were fighting or someone was getting a divorce. Whatever the case, everyone always piled all their problems on the preacher and his wife, who just so happened to be my parents. Which also meant the happy norm of my family would be interrupted.

“Where's Jordan?” Dad asked, avoiding Josh's question.

“Huh?” Jordan sat up, pulling his nose out of a book.

“We need to talk.” Mom said, sinking down next to him on the couch. Dad sat on her other side. Joey crawled onto his lap.

“Why?” I asked.

Mom looked at me, a fresh set of tears streaming down her cheeks. “Do you kids remember Rachel and Sammy's Grandma?”

I nodded. Yes, of course we did. Back when she lived in Aspen, all of us kids loved to sit by her in Church. We would draw her pictures, and she would feed us candy. At the time, she was like an adopted Grandma to us.

“She has cancer.” Dad teared up now.

Cancer. I had heard that word so many times, it took a while to register. It played the bad guy in books, in movies, and stories the adults told. Hearing the word “cancer” was like hearing someone tell you a dragon ate your grandma. It just didn't seem believable, but when it finally registered, a lump jumped into my throat. If I could have said a word without crying, it would have been a miracle.

Dad picked up where Mom left off. “The Colleys are moving to Sacramento to be with their Grandma. They're leaving next Friday.”

“No!” I jumped to my feet. Rachel couldn't move. I wouldn't let her. She was my last friend left on planet earth, and Sacramento … that was in California! My head spun. Mommy wrapped her arms around me and whispered something in my ear, but I didn't hear a word. I shoved her away and pounded up the stairs. Slamming the door behind me, I collapsed onto my bed and buried my face in the quilt. The purple flowers drank my tears. Moments later I felt Mom by my side. She rubbed my back, and I knew she cried with me.

When my pounding headache finally overpowered the ache in my heart, I sat up and faced my Mom. She gave me a hug and held me a few seconds. Then she swiped the stray locks of hair from my steamy face and forced a smile. “You know, Honey, you can always write to her.”

“It's not the same,” I choked out.

“I know,” Mom whispered. “But it might help.”

I nodded, but I knew part of me didn't agree.

“Why don't you get ready for bed? Things will look brighter in the morning.”

Whatever, I thought. It will only be a day closer til Rachel leaves, but I didn't say so. Instead, I grabbed my pj's from under my pillow and headed for the bathroom.

Questions:

1. Did anything sound too cheesy to you? If so what was it? Do you have any suggestions for changing it?

2. In the last scene when the parents break the news to the kids, did I handle it okay? I wasn't exactly sure how to do it.

3. Did I successfully grab your attention and keep it long enough for you to think my book would be worth reading?

4. Any other suggestions/comments?

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It's been a struggle for me to persevere with this project, and I'm maybe only halfway done with my first draft!