Does God Love Me? (Faith's Testimony)

          I have never actually typed out my testimony before (or even told it in its entirety), so this all may sound a little rough.  Anyway, here it goes…

          I grew up in a Christian home with solid Christian parents.  As I grew up, I do not remember being extremely worried about whether I was saved or not.  Supposedly I had been saved when I was extremely young, but I discount that entirely considering I do not even remember the occasion.  It wasn’t until I was around eight or nine years old that I knew I was not a Christian.  I remember being a tad sad about it, but besides that, continued on with life without worrying my head about it. 

          During the August of 2006, when I was ten, I was outside playing with my older brother.  Things had been very excitement filled over the last few days due to the fact that our neighbors had spotted a bear.  Our chicken feed can had been knocked over, so we assumed that the bear had done that.  Of course, you can imagine how thrilled I was out there with a bear being around (I’m not being sarcastic).  It wasn’t like that happened very often (actually, it had never happened before). 

          Anyway, my brother and I were playing together and (of course) talking about the bear.  Along in our conversation, the thought of death came up.  After all, there was no telling when that bear would come out and eat us.  I honestly remember very little of that conversation besides that at some point, my brother told me about how he became a Christian.  When I finished talking with him, I went inside and sat down next to my mother as she typed away on the computer.  I began to talk about salvation and such.  Again, I hate to say that what was said in that conversation is very fuzzy. 

          Eventually I rose to my feet and went back outside.  I had decided to do it.  I wanted to become a Christian.  I sat down on a small wooden swing beneath one of our huge pine trees.  I slowly swung back and forth and with a few words gave my life to the Lord.  There wasn’t a huge explosion of angels singing (at least where I could hear them J) or a huge wave of happiness and joy.  I was just glad that I had done it.

          Over the next few years, like many Christians, I began to doubt my salvation.  Often it was due to listening to a preacher say, “If you haven’t had a great hunger for God’s Word you probably aren’t saved.”  When things like that were said, I was would wiggle down in my seat and wonder.  Yes, I had wanted to read my Bible some when I first became a Christian.  However, that had seemed to quickly disappear.  I doubted and fussed over whether my salvation was sticking.  I cried out to the Lord over and over again to save me, but I wasn’t sure whether it was working.

          One day God showed me the truth.  Because I had grown up in a Christian home, my life wasn’t a complete mess before I became a Christian.  Due to that, my life wasn’t going to look radically different like some peoples.  Even though there were still some times later that I doubted my salvation, God has led me to assurance in him.

          About a year ago, I began to struggle with the thought of all the sin in my life.  I can honestly say that there were many times that I hated myself.  I hated the fact that I couldn’t be a “good” Christian.  I hated the fact that I kept sinning.  I just hated it.  I felt as if God’s love couldn’t extend far enough to save me from sin.  I knew he could, but I felt as if he shouldn't. 

          While I did overcome that view of my life to a certain degree, I still struggled with hating myself and wondering about God’s love for me until a couple of months ago.  Then, while listening to a man talk about who God was, God opened my eyes to the problem.  My view of God was skewed.  Instead of viewing God as both loving and just, I had allowed myself to see God as only a judge.  This helped me to better understand why I was having problems.

          Only a few weeks later, I heard a sermon that helped me to understand even better.  Through the sermon God showed me the difference between punishment and chastisement.  I had often walked around thinking that God would punish me for this or that.  I had neglected to realize that God does not punish a Christian for sinning.  While he may chastise the Christian in love, he will not punish them.  When I heard that sermon, I rolled my eyes heavenward, “Lord, you really do know how to get a point across.”

          Do I have everything figured out?  Not at all.  I still struggle at times.  But the Lord has been so faithful to open my eyes to the truth.  I praise him for his constant love of me even though I will always struggle with sin.