The Light's Last Touch--Part 3

I wrote this a different day than the rest and I wasn't in the same mood--I don't think it is very good. But I promised I would post it so here it is:

“Missus?”

The voice woke me from my reverie.

“Missus?” the voice sounded nervous.

“Yes Cadie?” I retreated farther into the darkness so my slave wouldn’t see me.

“Thay’s a man here, says he’s brought a trunk with things that belong to you, Missus.”

“Ask Tom to bring it up here.”

Was that voice mine? The voice that spoke nicely to Cadie, after anger had spoken to her so cruelly the past months? Was this my voice that gave the orders for the trunk, that he had taken to the war with him, to be brought up here? Here to my room where I was trying to shut out all memories of him?

A hesitant knock sounded on the door and I quickly drew back even further into the sheltering darkness.

“Come in Tom. You can put it at the foot of the bed.”

“Yes Missus.” I waited until I heard the door close softly behind him and then I got down on my hands and knees and groped forward.

My hand struck the chest and I pulled it back in pain. The pain was not only physical. I wasn’t ready, wasn’t ready to look at what a man he had been. And what a woman I had been at his side--at the woman I should still be.

I rested my head against the side of the bed. Not yet, I wasn’t ready yet. Maybe if I could forget about it for a while, maybe then I would be healed.

I crawled on hands and knees to the cabinet that I now knew so well. My hands felt around inside. It was empty. I had nothing, not way to make myself stop thinking. Alcohol, my constant companion for that past several months was gone. Gone, like everything else. Like him, like our dreams together for the future, like all the money from our plantation, like the light.

I looked toward the window, my mind remembering the light’s last touch. Was it gone forever for me? A faint glimmer looked back at me. What was that light? I again crawled across the floor and pulled myself up on the window sill. A star shone brightly in the dark sky even though the sun had gone down. Was there still hope for me even though the light’s last touch was gone? No, there was nothing to save me. Nothing and no one now that he was gone.

“Cassy do you trust me? Will you trust me?” the gentle voice came back to me again.

Was there someone then? Some one who wanted me to trust them? Some one who could save me, save me from this pit I was falling--allowing myself to fall into? Perhaps, perhaps this someone had been there all the time, waiting for me to trust them? Perhaps I had known it? Known they were there but instead chose to walk open eyed into the pit I falling in? Could they catch me, pull me out to safety, and most of all, would it hurt?

“Who are you?” the tears coursed down my face and I began groping frantically for his chest.

My fingers found the latches and I undid them fumbling in my hurry. They were undone, and I threw up the lid.

His smell wafted up to me crying at me to stop, my emotions couldn’t handle this right now but I put my hand in and immediately felt what I was looking for.

I pulled out the small leather book and hugged it to my chest then I crawled to the door.

“Bring me a lamp quickly please Cadie!”

I heard a slight gasp and then hurried footsteps came from Cadie’s room which was next to mine. Her door opened and she appeared holding a lighted candle.

“Give that to me please Cadie!”

I took it out of her trembling hands and shut the door behind me. The worn book felt soft in my hands, where in all it’s hundreds of pages was I supposed to look? I was sure what I was looking for was there, but where?

It fell open and I saw a sheet of plane paper flutter to the floor. My hand trembled as I picked it up; it had his writing spelling my name on the front!

I smoothed out the paper lovingly and laid it on the floor.

“Dearest Cassy,

The doctors have given me four days to live. I will soon be in heaven with Jesus. I wish you would meat him Cassy because I would love to share paradise with you. Please, for my sake, read my Bible, you will find hope and strength to guide you through what may be coming. You will need it, for, as a Southern lady it will be hard to survive when this war is over and the North has won. Yes Cassy, I have been in fights, and I have seen the North and they, with their new general, Grant, will win this war. God bless you dearest Cassy. It is my prayer every night that you will come to know God like I have. Let me share with you my favorite verse,

John 8:12

Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, “I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life.”

I love you dearest Cassy!

Your loving husband,

John Warth”

There was someone there, some one who could bring me back to the light. I felt the words pouring out from me in a torrent I couldn’t control. I lay face down on the floor and begged for God’s forgiveness, begged him to take me out of this darkness. As I finally ran out of words the morning’s first rays of light poured in through my window and lit my face.  I closed my eyes and basked in it warmth until a bird landed on the sill and began to sing.

“Yes sing! Sing your heart out to God!” I jumped to my feet and began to wildly tear down the thick curtains around the other windows. The light and fresh air poured in. I leaned out the window and took in breathed in deeply, John’s Bible still held tightly in my hand.

I saw a horse gallop up the drive and Tom flung himself off it.

“Lee’s surrendered to Grant! The war is over! We all free! Free!”

I smiled as I leaned against the window and began to read John’s Bible. The hard times were coming as John had predicted and I wanted to be ready for them.