Sunday, October 7, 2012

Gone--Part 4

  This part of the story didn't turn out quite how I wanted it to, but it will have to do because my brain isn't helping to make the needed changes.

    A knock echoed through the nearly empty house.  Philip parted the curtains carefully his nerves taunt.  He had to make sure it was the right one.  Outside the door, a tall man with broad shoulders, stood there, impatiently tapping his fingers.  "Good," Philip muttered, reaching out for the door handle.  “Come in,”
    The man’s piercing gaze swept the dimly lighted room.  “We are alone?” the door closed behind him with a click.
    Impatient, Philip's voice sounded tense, “Yes, of course.  That is what you wanted.  When have I not followed orders?”
    The man walked past him and opened up his leather coat pulling out an envelope.  “Up to this point, you have done well.  Hopefully you will keep it up.”  He paused, then continued, “Here are your next instructions.”
    Philip accepted the envelope.  “How are things?”
    “Fine I suppose,” the man glanced at his watch.  “But there just aren't as many as we wanted.  We need more,” he nodded at the envelope.  “That is what that is for.”
    Realization flooded over Philip.  He licked his lips, “Sir, t-this isn’t what I volunteered to do-“
    A few long strides and the man stood face to face with him.  “You volunteered to do what is necessary!  That is necessary!  Now you listen to me.  If you do not carry out those orders, I promise you, you will regret it.  You will pay for it.  Do I make myself clear?”  His steel blue eyes bore holes in Philip’s skull.
    It was a question that needed no answer.  The man walked towards the door leaving Philip standing there, face pale, staring at the envelope.  

11 comments:

  1. I think, you might need to get down to the main story line about now. If you don't you are likely to have held your reader off so long, building up suspense, that you have lost their interest completely.Too many changes between characters without finishing the story just gets confusing and annoying. At least that is the way I am with books and stories.

    I don't like they way that came out...really it is a good and interesting story.

    Grace could you be my translator and say what I really mean in more concise/logical and maybe softer terms? :) You seem pretty good at doing that for me.

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  2. You don't like it? :)
    Actually, I am getting down to the story line. That scene is important, and the one guy, Philip, is one of the main characters in the story.

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  3. No, no! That is not what I meant. I LIKE your story-I didn't like how I worded what I said about your story. I knew you would misunderstand me, that's why I wanted Grace to translate.

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  4. Okay, I'll try to translate. :) I think what your are trying to say, Hope, is that since so far every part seems completely disconnected from the others, the readers could get confused and lose interest.

    I don't know if that's any simpler or not. As long as the parts get tied together soon though, it's going to be a really good story. I can't wait to see how you do tie them together, Angela.

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    1. Yes thank you Miss Translator that is exactly what I meant.

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  5. I think I got it...maybe... :)

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  6. Very well written I would say! Part 4 is my favorite part so far! Nice! "“That is what that is for.”"...was interstingly confusing! But good over all!

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  7. Angela! I'm commenting on the blog!

    There are several punctuation mistakes. I agree that there have been a lot of characters up to this point and will make it harder for a reader to keep up. I'm assuming that they have all died (I haven't read the other parts in a while but that's what I thought happened.) If so and the characters aren't going to return then the less names/background will make it easier to keep up and make it obvious that they aren't the main focus.

    That's my usual cold, hard two cents. :) I'm excited to read the next parts. :D

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  8. Emily-As the blog administrator I feel like I should make you aware of something: this is a blog for criticizing writing, not spelling or grammar. (Translation: Do it all you want on Angela's posts just leave me out.)

    It's so nice to have someone besides me say something not 100% positive. Thank you for the breath of fresh air Emily. :D

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  9. I guess that gives me full permission to make all the nasty comments I want about your spelling and grammar. This shall be fun. ;)

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