Undying

I'm sorry if the ending is a bit abrupt.  I wasn't sure how to end it, and I didn't really want to spend time thinking about it. 

    “I don’t want you!”  I raised my fist towards the sky, my voice filled with rage.  “You’ve ruined my life!”  My feet slapped against the hard dirt path as I ran away from the clearing...and from God.

    “Leah?” I cracked my swollen eyes open.  A gentle face leaned over me. 

    I don’t want to talk, even to you.  “Yeah mom?”

    “It’s almost time.”  Her blue eyes locked onto my brown ones. 

     I bit my lip.  I had promised myself I would not cry.  “Yeah,” I rolled off my bed onto my feet.  “I’m ready.”

    “You don’t look it,” she brushed my hair out of my face.

    What’s it matter what I look like?!  It’s a funeral!  People aren’t supposed to look fantastic!   I kept the biting words in my head.  They wouldn’t help the situation any.  Nothing I had said in the past few days had helped anything.  “I’ll change.” 

    She smiled and left the room. 

    “How can she smile?” I kicked a shoe out of my way as I reached into my closed for black slacks and a blouse.  A few moments later I at least looked a bit human, besides the fact my eyes were red rimmed and puffy.  I picked up a makeup bottle then set it down. This is the way I feel.  People better get used to it.  My fingers quickly twisted my blob of hair up into a quick bun, then stuck a clip over it. 

    “Time to go!”

    “Coming.”

    The sun shone down on my face.  It was over.  At last.  The body of my dear little brother had been laid to rest.  It was now time to heal.  Ha!  The inner scoff didn’t even begin to express how I felt.  If a gun had been handy I would not have wasted any time in joining my brother in heaven.  My stomach sunk.  It’s unlikely I would make it there after the way I yelled at God.  I tossed my hair as I followed my parents to the car.  Who cares? 

     The rest of the day was torture.  I locked my room door and pulled the covers over my head.  Even when my mom knocked I remained where I was.  No one was welcome.  I wanted solitude. 

    “Leah, open this door!” my mother’s voice carried determination.  She would not be deterred this time.

    “Just a second.”  I unlocked it then swung it open.  Without even looking at her I went back to my bed and picked up my science book.  “I do have studying to do.”

    She crossed her arms and glared at me.  “Don’t use that as an excuse to be a hermit in your room for a week.” 

    I glared back.

    She sighed and sat down beside me, “Honey, I know you’re hurting, but locking us away like this isn’t going to help matters.”

    “Yeah.”

    “Leah.  Really, I’m serious.  You’ve got to open up honey.  If not to us, then to God.”

    It was too much.  “You can still mention his name after what he did to us?!  He took away my little brother!  Didn’t he have the power to let him live?!  Instead, a little boy dies because some driver didn’t see him on the road!  And don’t let me hear all that nonsense about it being his will, or that he knows what he is doing,” my lips curved into a sneer.  “All I can see is that he loves to torment us here on earth.  I don’t want a God like that!”  I slammed my book closed and bolted for the door leaving my mother with her mouth hanging open.  I slammed the door as I left the house.  Let her be surprised at my outburst. 

    I went to the one place I knew I wouldn’t be bothered:  a small cave down by the creek.  I crawled into it even though I was too big.  Let my parents think what they want.  They were wrong.  God didn’t care. 

    “Hey Leah.”   I jerked and starred at the small kid peering into my hideout.  “Watcha doing,” he grinned, small teeth peaking out of his mouth, “Are you playing hide an seek?”

    “Hey Andy.  No.  I’m just resting,” I tried to smile. 

    “Do you wanna play hid an seek?”

    “No, but thanks.”

    “Oh,” he looked down the creek.  “You know what I learned today!”

    I sighed.  This could take awhile.  “No, what?”

    “I learned that God is wuv!”

    “Uh huh.”

    “He wuvs you, and he wuvs me!  And he never will stop,” he clapped his chubby hands together.

    “Uh huh, sure.”

    He looked at me with round eyes.  “He won’t.  Really.”

   “Of course.  Now, you better get back home before you’re mommy gets worried.”  The last thing I needed was a little kid lecturing me.

    He gave me another grin then took off through the grass. 

    What a surprise he is in for when he realizes that is a lie.

    Is it?

    I blinked.  Of course it is!

    Are you sure?

    Of course I am.   I couldn’t believe I was arguing with myself.

    No you are not.

   I blinked.  Perhaps that was true.  Maybe I wasn’t sure.  But did it matter?  I sighed.  It did matter.  Shame began to wash over me.  These last few days had made me hide the truth.  I’m so sorry.  Tears began to stream down my cheeks.  Did God still love me?  I smiled.  He had never stopped, not even when I had rejected him.  I’m sorry.

     A quiet voice echoed in my mind.  You’re forgiven.