How many of you remember a story I started a long time ago called Two Symbols? I was sick today resulting in extra time on my hands. The result: I finished it! If you need to go review the links for previous parts are below. As a side note, since I first started posting this I have gone back and done a lot of editing. I like the story now much better than the version posted on here...oh well.
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Character Sketches
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Character Sketches
Stephania
Stefania dove behind a convenient bush
and began wriggling closer on her stomach. It would take several
washes to get the dirt out of her shirt but she pushed the thought
out of her mind.
“Be careful, girl. You have played
with us a long time and we have tried all our gentle means of getting
you to do what is only right. Even now, if you only tell us where
your friend is we will make you a leader. They get many benefits you
know. And your friend, she won’t be hurt we just need to correct
her.”
Stefania saw Irena studying the creases
in her palms and chewing on her lip. “If that’s true then why,
when you saw someone sitting under her old bridge, did you shoot them
on sight?”
Stefania put a hand on her stomach and
grabbed at the tree truck she was hiding behind. Her bridge—some
innocent person resting in it’s shade had been taken for her and
simply shot on sight. She took deep breaths in an effort to still her
shaking body.
“It looked like they were pulling a
gun. But anyway, that doesn’t matter. She’ll be fine.”
There was silence then Irena’s voice
came back, heavy as with tiredness. “I told you, I don’t know
where she is.” Stefania heard a chair scrape as Irena suddenly
stood up. She looked up quickly and was surprised by her friend’s
face. It was defiant, brave, hard, she couldn’t quite put a finger
on it Irena looked different. “ I don’t care where she is either
so long as she is safely away from you.”
Stefania held her breath and starred at
Irena’s hardened jaw. Was it really only months ago she was trying
to do just what the GOV’s were now urging.
The man looked at each other with
eyebrows raised. The one behind Irena touched his baton but the other
barely shook his head.
There was an awkward and tense silence
during which Irena stood without moving.
“Well, we believe you. You may go
now.”
Too easy. Stefania thought.
There is some catch here. They are not that easy on those who defy
them. She crept underneath the window which was low enough that
she had to crawl on hands and knees to stay hidden.
“Would you like a drink before you
go? We’ve had you in here chatting for more than an hour and you
must be thirsty.”
She jumped to her feet. There was the
catch. “No Irena! No!”
The men froze. The subject of their
conversation had astoundingly appeared.
Stefania was only a minute getting
through the window and one more grabbing her friend’s arm and
hauling her out of the building. The stunned silence was quickly
broken. Shouts followed and she could hear footsteps running behind
them as well.
Irena seemed dazed and Stefania had to
literally drag her.
“What are you doing here?” She
finally gasped as she stumbled and Stefania grabbed her roughly
around the waste and pulled her up.
“Never mind. Just run.”
“Where?”
Stefania missed a step and tripped a
bit. She didn’t know. Where could they go? Her instinct said run,
but that wouldn’t do her any good if she didn’t run somewhere.
The GOV’s had guns, tazers and grenades and she was sure they
wouldn’t be worried about using them.
“To the lake.” She pulled Irena
sharply to the right. Then she heard shouts in front. She grabbed the
thinner girl with both arms and falling so that she herself was
underneath rolled off the road and into a near by magnolia tree. The
branches grew clear down to the ground from fairly high up on the
trunk forming a natural and dense tent.
“Stay down!” She threw her own body
over Irena’s white jacket. Her dark grey shirt would blend in well
with the shadows.
Her hair was falling over her face and
she carefully turned it away from the road so that as little of her
skin as possible would show.
They could hear feet and shouts. She
didn’t notice when her hand, holding Irena’s head, began to grow
wet.
“Stefania.” The voice was so quite
she almost thought it was just in her head.
“What if—if—they are still
alive?” She dared not move her heard but she could see Irena out of
the corner of one blue eye and she knew it was her.
“Who?” She whispered back knowing
that the surrounding din would mask their hushed conversation.
“My family?” Irena’s hand gripped
the ground.
“Your family?”
“Yes. If they were still alive, what
will happen to them? I’ve been trying to be good, to do everything
right so that maybe someday they would think it was okay to tell me
where my family was.”
Stefania ran her tongue around in her
mouth several times. “They wouldn’t have Irena. You know that.”
The noise was dying away, some of it in
one direction and some in another. Stefania cautiously faced around
and then got off Irena. She didn’t move.
“I know….But, what if my family is
still alive. Will something be done to them because I rebelled?”
Stefania dusted her hands on her jeans.
She couldn’t bare to answer that question.
“You know, I’ve tried to get out to
the jail a few times. But somehow or other I was always stopped. I
still don’t know why they took everyone but me. It doesn’t make
sense.”
“Irena…” Stefania began and then
trailed off. “We should get going.”
Irena slowly got to her feet.
“Take off your jacket. It’s too
bright. Your brown uniform will be great camouflage without that.”
She unzipped the white leather and
slowly pulled one arm out. She fingered her eagle pin.
“Leave it. It is a symbol of
everything that has ever hurt you.”
“You said once it was a symbol of
cruelty.” She dropped the jacket and turned away. “I think I
believe you now.”
Stefania parted the big leaves on the
side of the tree opposite to the road. “Come this way. I think we
can stay out of sight better.”
Without a word Irena followed. Soon
they came to a rarely used dirt road and Irena saw Stefania relax a
little and fall back to walk beside her.
“Do you think some of your friends
could ever help me get to the jail?” Irena watched her friend’s
face closely as they walked.
Stefania glanced her way and then
quickly began busily putting up her hair.
Irena stepped in front of her and
grabbed her hands. “I know you know something. What are you not
telling me?”
Stefania’s eyes were watery and
threatening to spill over. “Not, now, we need to keep moving.”
Irena crossed her arms and purposrfully
stepped in front f her friend.
“Irena, the jail is empty. They
filled it full, then decided it was too much trouble, liquidated it
and now…people just don’t ever get to the jail.”
Irena dropped her hands. “And my
family?”
“There are a thousand nameless
graves. Someday, when this is over, we will go put flowers on
everyone.”
Irena began walking very quickly and
Stefania was almost running to keep up with her. To her surprise the
brown eyes were dry, unlike her own.
“I knew it. It knew they could not be
alive but I had to try.”
“Then eachother is all we have left,
Irena. We can't let something come between us again.”
Irena stopped and looked back. “No,
never. Nothing will ever separate us again.”
Stefania stopped and looked at the
ground. That distant look that disturbed Irena had come over her face
again. “No, I cannot say ever separate us. We do not know what
might happen. But we will always be friends.”
“What might separate us? There is
nothing. From now on I will go with you and we will stay together.”
Stefania looked up and looked her full
in the face for a moment. “Here,” She reached up and began
fumbling with the clasp on her necklace. “I want you to have this.
The people at camp Phoenix will be good to you if they see you
wearing it.”
“But can’t I just get one when we
get there?”
“Take it.” Stephania shoved it out
to her. “They already know me, but if for some reason we get
separated they'll be more likely to trust you if you're wearing one
of those.”
Irena pursed her lips. “We're not
going to get separated.”
“Please put it on.”
Irena shrugged and passed the chain
around her neck.
They walked on it silence and the
Stefania said, “We have switched places a lot recently. First, you
were weak and I was strong. Then you defended me to the GOV’s
today. Then I drug you off and you were weak again. And now, when
you’ve had this news about you’re family you’re strong again.
We sure are confusing.”
They both smiled.
“I don’t know. Maybe we just now
what the other one needs and when.”
They were walking past a small shed.
It had no windows but the walls
themselves had many small holes. Stefania instinctively grabbed her
friend's arm. Something was not right.
They heard two metallic clicks.
“Run!” Stefania had grown up around
guns a new the sound of one cocking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Irena
A small trim woman stood on a low rise.
Behind her the ruins of an old prison, bombed and blackened, in front
of her a thousand nameless graves.
She tucked a silvery peace of curly
hair behind her ear with one well used hand while in the other she
pulled a wagon filled with poppies.
A tall man came up behind her also
pulling a wagon.
“It seems strange, you know. Having
enough food now and not having to keep everything so secret. Being
able to actually go to town. Everything. It’s just so different.”
“Yes, Castus, it is. Things have been
wrong for a long time, but now, they are finally right.”
“These concrete markers, are they the
graves you were talking about?”
“Yes.”
“But there are a thousand and all
unmarked!”
She touched the dented and tarnished
bird that hung around her neck. “A thousand and one.”
“Whose the one?”
“The
one whose ashes gave me fire. The one who was a symbol.”
What do you think? I really felt like I could have ended this better. But somehow, no matter how I arranged it I couldn't pack the punch I wanted. Any ideas?
And as a bonus, here is a link to the song Stephania sang Irena (Back in part three). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faHO0XIPSSA
And as a bonus, here is a link to the song Stephania sang Irena (Back in part three). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faHO0XIPSSA
I agree it is not quite delivering the punch you're trying to give. Maybe try the old tip: show, dont tell. I think if you left the reader with a picture that implies those last words, (I.e. Irena placing the pin on a grave or sprinkling ashes over one or something), it would be much more memorable.
ReplyDeleteYou're probably right. Originally I was going to have Irena leave the pin on a marker but she doesn't know which grave is Stephania's...That made it harder to give a quick and simple ending.
DeleteMaybe she can set up a memorial stone or have some sort of memorial ceremony?
DeleteMaybe! I'll have to give it some more thought.
Deletehttp://larkwriters.blogspot.com/2014/05/tip-tuesday_27.html
ReplyDeleteHere is the link to your sketches.
Thank you very much, Grace! I never expected them to be part of a Tip Tuesday.
DeleteLol, I didn't even realize it was a part of a Tip Tuesday when I copied the link. I just had scrolled through the posts since the first part of the story you had posted until I saw the pictures. Then I clicked and copied the link.
Delete